1 ‘Twas the night before Christmas, and the sound level had dipped.
2 The entire household was as silent as a crypt.
3 The doors were shut tight, for only one reason.
4 My children wanted no monsters this holiday season.
5 But by mamma and I, the children were ignored,
6 For, of their wild stories, we both soon grew bored.
7 When all of the sudden, at my own front door,
8 Came the sound of a scratching, a scratching for sure.
9 I jumped out of bed, and picked up my shotgun.
10 It had never been used, but would get the job done.
11 I saw them at once, for the door was of glass,
12 But for the demons that were there, I wished it was brass.
13 They clawed at the door, with fingers of bone.
14 The sheer horror of it turned my limbs to stone.
15 Then, on the roof, with a crash and a thump,
16 Came one of the things that in the night does go bump.
17 I ran up the stairs, past the kids’ room,
18 Heading straight for what I knew to be doom.
19 I burst onto the roof, into a maelstrom of noise,
20 Being pelted by what I thought to be, toys?
21 When I grew used to the dark, what then should appear,
22 But Zombie Santa himself, and eight skeletal reindeer.
23 Yes, it was a zombie, like I’d seen on the telly,
24 And he’d eat me right up, like a bowl full of jelly.
25 Then Santa smiled, and said to his deer,
26 “Eat him, my pretties! Feed on his fear!
27 Now, Chomper! Now, Chewer! Now Mixer and Masher!
28 On, Stomper! On, Stabber! On Throt’ler and Thrasher!
29 I threw down the gun, (it would do me no good)
30 And I ran down the stairs, like I knew that I should.
31 I was met at the bottom by a huge zombie horde,
32 And at the helm stood Santa, supreme overlord.
33 Questioning not, how Santa got to that place,
34 I stopped on a dime and did an about-face.
35 Back on the roof, I regained my gun.
36 I checked it for bullets, but it had only one.
37 The reindeer were gone, and for that I was glad.
38 If they had still been there, it would’ve been bad.
39 But this mattered little, for then I saw Santa appear.
40 First came his red hat, then his blood-red leer.
41 “I cannot be killed,” He said as I aimed.
42 I knew this already, but I shot all the same.
43 The shot pierced his skull, knocking him to the floor,
44 But he got right back up and came at me for more.
45 He hit me right back, and jumped up in his sleigh.
46 Maybe, as a gift, he’d let me live today.
47 “Buddy,” Said Santa, “You know what you did.”
48 This mightn’t have happened if you’d listened to the kid.”
49 I thought I heard him say, before the pain did cease,
50 “Merry Christmas to all, and to all, rest in peace.”